"I’m no stranger to binge drinking, anxiety-filled hangovers, blackouts and embarrassing behaviors that lead to regrettable experiences and dangerous situations.  In fact, I’ve been there too many times to count"

Although I never hit “rock bottom,” many of my experiences may have looked like a bottom to most, but were simply another night out to me.  I easily excused, denied and carried on no matter the severity of any situation.

I know what it’s like to chase the buzz, seek euphoria and keep drinking regardless of knowing better or that I should stop. In those moments it always seems like not feeling anything is more important than paying the price to deal with those awful feelings in the days that followed. 

"I also know what it’s like to know deep down inside that your life should be more than just this."

I know that you are more than the choices you are making everyday that are holding you back from living a life where you’re healthy and balanced and that you deserve better than what  you choose for yourself but you just don’t know where to start and it is scary to look at the parts of you that reflect your hurt and pain.

The worst memories of drinking for me were when I was running on empty with no dignity and no sleep, trying to manage life, businesses and kids.  I knew the day ahead of me was going to be hell when the sun began to rise, the birds began to chirp, and I still hadn’t slept as I waited for my kids to wake up. 

I dreaded taking care of them those days. It was easier to play off a hangover with things like “mom isn’t feeling good today” when the kids were younger, but as they got older you could see the disappointment in them and no matter how fun you tried to make a day of blinds closed in darkness and greasy takeout seem, after a while they weren't buying it.  

Between sneaking out for cigarettes, struggling through panic attacks and maintaining composure while I anxiously awaited the afternoon to arrive so I could drink again or have a nap, there was nothing about my behaviour that was healthy or inspiring.  

I was constantly waiting for the day to be over so I could sleep off the shame of whatever nasty fight I got in with my husband the night before.  My parenting style was simply trying to find something to distract them with. Meanwhile I was puking and/or crying while being completely checked out as I coasted through the day self-obsessed and self-absorbed in whatever drame I was currently participating in.

I struggled to find balance between being a present, loving mom and wanting to go out and forget about my life completely. I was unhappy.  I was constantly involved in a dramatic story and I had identified for so long as a victim and someone who only knew a party-girl identity.

I didn’t feel confident or successful, I didn’t believe in myself or my abilities.  I loved my kids but I didn’t love myself and I honestly didn’t even know how to.  But I did know this was no way to live and definitely no way to be a mother. I was ashamed of myself and the example I was setting for my kids. 

At the end of the day I knew how I was behaving was wrong and self destructive.  I felt worthless, but I kept doing it over and over. I kept trying to power through and create balance between living an authentic life and wanting to numb out and party.  

I understand that even though you’re treating yourself poorly you have an inner knowing and a calling to do and be more, I know you want to “walk the walk”. I know you really want to live a life that feels authentic, but you’re going to have to make some hard choices about who you are, who your friends are and what your behavior is. 

You’ll have to learn to be responsible for yourself and the only way to make a real change is to get in touch with your INNER TRUTH.